The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009) Review

What a dreadful film. George Takei put it best when he said “Oh my”, believe me it’s hard not to “Oh my” once in a while during “New Moon”. “Oh my” why does that boy have his shirt off in the rain? “Oh my” why doesn’t she just listen to that pale boy from the shiny show and not become a vampire, he clearly has more experience than she does at being a vampire. “Oh My” how can a film feature so much god-awful silent staring for over two hours. How can director Chris Weitz seriously expect us to sit through this, I’m serious. I haven’t seen a movie this bad in a long while and watching it feels like trying to get comfy on a bed of nails. If you replaced “New Moon” with the ultra violence Alex had to watch in “A Clockwork Orange”, you’d reach the same end. In this way, I find “New Moon” to be quite an effective motivator.

Here we go I guess, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) has left Bella (Kristen Stewart) “forever” and so she has become incredibly depressed. So she rebounds onto Jacob (Taylor Lautner), a teenager who the very thought of angers me. That’s it really… more does happen but that’s in the final half hour so it would be a spoiler to mention it. “Have no fear!” Shouts Chris Weitz, “You can relish in the wondrous angst between Bella and Jacob and spend a lovely amount of time wondering why anyone would ever want to talk to Jacob!” No Chris, people don’t want to do that, it’s insulting to me that you would even think that of the human race.

Where “Twilight” just about kept its ground with regards to not being overly soppy and not too, I believe the scientific term is “cringey”, “New Moon” managed to totally forget what ground actually is. It’s really quite horrible and it’s there from the start, and a lot of it doesn’t make any sense. The film is essentially just a formula of staring, soppyness, staring, soppyness, depression, staring, brooding, staring and Bella being a whiny cow. I didn’t hate Bella in “Twilight” and neither did I hate Kristen Stewart as Bella. In this film you’ll watch her spend almost every moment she can trying to become a vampire so she can be with Edward forever. She adamantly refuses to listen to Edward when he says that this isn’t the life she wants, he’s 109, you’d have thought she’d have the sense to listen considering his experience. I realise that this is supposed to be her willing to go through anything to be with him, but she doesn’t really argue her point very well. She just says “Please” and begs and begs and begs. Begging for a two hour film, isn’t something I personally care about or want to listen to.

Jacob apparently does though. I don’t understand how “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” are even a thing. Jacob is such a huge arse that he makes baboons look minimalist. He gets angry at Bella for being in a relationship with vampires that are completely different to most vampires, in that they are vegetarians, and have respected the treaty imposed upon them for many years. He also only owns shirts that are mysteriously made out of some material he is severely allergic to, why does he bother with these shirts you ask? Well most of the time he doesn’t, he removes them without a moments notice just so he can show off his abs to Bella.  “And you think I’m sort of beautiful?” he says, well of course she does, you don’t give her any choice but to stare at your segmented stomach. If you were force feeding me toe-nails, I might say they taste pretty good just so you would bugger off!

There is so little that happens in “New Moon” that I continually sit here wondering why they thought they couldn’t fit the plot into an hour. I did my usual synopsis and if you hadn’t noticed, it’s pretty short. It’s a special brand of cruelty that made me sit and witness all of these despairing individuals pretend to have charisma, and it’s called democracy. Film number two and you don’t want to hear the things I’ve contemplated to avoid the rest.

I mean… there is one good thing, at least the colour isn’t always washed out…

What a dreadful film.


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