2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) Review

I left “The Fast and the Furious” eager for more, which surprised me enough. I now leave “2 Fast 2 Furious”, the sequel to that brainless gem, with remorse and indignation. My wrongdoing was apparently to allow myself to be filled with optimism again which I haven’t done since I saw “Godzilla” and “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” over a year ago. The indignation spawns from how unfair it is that John Singleton, the director of “Boyz n the Hood” which bought him an Oscar nod for best director and best screenplay, fails so spectacularly at a formula that seems so simple. It is mind numbing to think that a movie so similar to its predecessor could be so much worse. Fast cars I can find anywhere, the job of the Director is to convince me that cars smaller than my hand travelling from one end of my screen to another are really going very, very fast. The cars are fake and so they feel fake and any sense of speed that would be derived from the use of an actual real life vehicle (shock! horror!) is left in the CGI dust.

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The Raid: Redemption (2011) Review

Fantastic. I had so much fun with “The Raid: Redemption” and I couldn’t put it down for the entire time I spent with it. It lets you get right into it, just punching people, pulling off combos, breaking skulls and taking names. The best part? It just lets you fight fight fight! No boring dialogue for us! Why would we want that to break up our experience? Oh, and the final boss, oh my God. “The Raid” is the best video game I have ever played in my entire life.

But, this isn’t a video game — this is a movie. An awful, awful movie.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) Review

I have next to no previous affiliation with the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”. Until I watched this movie, my first “Turtles” experience, I didn’t even know all four of their names. Nevermind which was which. So my prejudices don’t have to be left at the door, I don’t really have any. That is a lie, Michael Bay has his name slapped all over this one and my recent forays into his way of doing things have been unanimously upsetting (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen) but he didn’t direct in fairness. Jonathan Liebesman directed “Wrath of the Titans” which I had the misfortune of seeing twice in the cinema and fell asleep the latter occasion; and “Battle: Los Angeles”. I haven’t actually seen that last one and that is because the general consensus is that I should avoid it like the plague. Clearly “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” has everything going for it… so how is it? Make no mistake, he may not have directed but this is a Michael Bay movie, and all that implies.

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Bad Neighbours (2014) Review

To think I had nearly forgotten why teen comedies are as stigmatised as they are, thank God “Bad Neighbours” came along to refresh my sub standard memory. Another “adventure” filled with disgusting comedy that often falls completely flat on its face, in the shadow of genuine comic timing. “22 Jump Street” is the obvious comparison, a film that is actually really funny if a little juvenile. Now there is “Bad Neighbours” (simply called “Neighbours” in the States) that is actually really dumb if a lot juvenile. I’ve seen zygotes more mature than this.

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A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) Review

Ah, The “Nightmare on Elm Street” franchise, one of what I call the “Big Three” of the slasher genre, along with “Friday the 13th” and “Halloween”. Those who have seen all of these movies, or even just a fair few, know that the endless sequels were almost all tosh. If there is one thing worse than the slasher sequel though, it’s the horror remake. All three of these franchises have been remade and “A Nightmare on Elm Street” is the last to get this treatment, and oh boy oh boy, I can’t wait to tell you how disappointing it is.

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The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) Review

It’s finally happened, the best of the best. This movie has had such a profound effect on the way I see the world that I may never recover. By that I mean, I am now from this point on a glass half empty personality who has lost the ability to enjoy the little things or to ever experience excitement ever again. This film upsets me like few others can, because I haven’t been this excited for a movie since “Spider-Man 3” when I was only a knee high. You’d have thought I’d have learnt by this point, but I shamefully admit that I have not.

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