2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) Review

I left “The Fast and the Furious” eager for more, which surprised me enough. I now leave “2 Fast 2 Furious”, the sequel to that brainless gem, with remorse and indignation. My wrongdoing was apparently to allow myself to be filled with optimism again which I haven’t done since I saw “Godzilla” and “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” over a year ago. The indignation spawns from how unfair it is that John Singleton, the director of “Boyz n the Hood” which bought him an Oscar nod for best director and best screenplay, fails so spectacularly at a formula that seems so simple. It is mind numbing to think that a movie so similar to its predecessor could be so much worse. Fast cars I can find anywhere, the job of the Director is to convince me that cars smaller than my hand travelling from one end of my screen to another are really going very, very fast. The cars are fake and so they feel fake and any sense of speed that would be derived from the use of an actual real life vehicle (shock! horror!) is left in the CGI dust.

Paul Walker is the only cast member from “The Fast and the Furious” to return for the sequel, which attempts to alleviate the cumbersome use of “the” before each adjective but instead ends up creating a grossly misleading title. The movie was too lazy to explain the back story sufficiently in the actual film so we are provided a “Turbo Charge Prelude” to fill in the blanks. Which is possibly the laziest way to keep people up to date I have ever seen. You might assume that this prelude explains what happened in the first movie for those who haven’t seen it? No, that would be a good idea. This prelude bridges the gap between each film, despicable.

Either way Walker is back as Brian O’Conner who has been on the run from the FBI after the events in the previous film, and he makes his way in Miami doing street races and making unbelievable amounts of money from it. This of course leads us into the opening race sequence which is near identical in set up to the first race in “The Fast and the Furious”. This time however, the race is drawn out like Guy Fawkes (I guess each car represents the quarters in this analogy) and instead of using practical effects which gave the action sequences in the first film a real kinetic tangibility, we are treated to CGI cartoon cars.

John Singleton’s attempt to blatantly recreate Rob Cohen’s scene from the first film fall absolutely flat. A ramp is created which Paul Walker uses to overtake an opponent by literally flying over him in midair and crashing back down onto the tarmac. Its a shame that the use of cars that are clearly not their is only compounded by Singleton shooting the seconds long “stunt” with more cuts than Regan MacNeil.

After winning the race and earning his pay Walker is found by the FBI and he is given an offer to once again go undercover in exchange for having his record wiped clean. O’Conner reluctantly accepts, on the condition that he can pick his co-driver. The lucky man is Roman Pearce played by Tyrese Gibson (credited as Tyrese) who seems to hate O’Conner for being a cop once and blames him for being sent to jail for three years. This attempt to usher in conflict quickly becomes tired and reduced to occasionally bringing it up with Gibson producing a snarl. Very sinister stuff.

On they go, hand in oily hand, to take down the drug lord Carter Verone (Cole Hauser) and boy I can’t wait to see more racing! The issue still remains, none of the action sequences in “2 Fast” are in anyway exciting. the only inventive thing Singleton does in the entire run time is invent a method of torture in which you place a rat in a bucket face down on someones stomach then you heat the bucket with a blowtorch. The only way the rat can escape is by tunneling down, pretty gruesome stuff and it managed to bring the number of emotions I felt whilst watching the film up to a grand total of two. Distress during the torture scene (which doesn’t come to gratuitous fruition thank goodness) and relief when the credits gracefully roll.

I didn’t expect a plot worth a damn but without enjoyable racing to back it up “2 Fast 2 Furious” becomes an abysmal waste of time with practically nothing to offer other than annoyance whilst watching the dreadful Walker and Gibson exchange the word “Brah” as a replacement for the full stop. My enthusiasm for the series has been dashed violently across the tarmac and I now dread the proceedings.

3/10

The Raid: Redemption (2011) Review

Fantastic. I had so much fun with “The Raid: Redemption” and I couldn’t put it down for the entire time I spent with it. It lets you get right into it, just punching people, pulling off combos, breaking skulls and taking names. The best part? It just lets you fight fight fight! No boring dialogue for us! Why would we want that to break up our experience? Oh, and the final boss, oh my God. “The Raid” is the best video game I have ever played in my entire life.

But, this isn’t a video game — this is a movie. An awful, awful movie.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) Review

I have next to no previous affiliation with the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”. Until I watched this movie, my first “Turtles” experience, I didn’t even know all four of their names. Nevermind which was which. So my prejudices don’t have to be left at the door, I don’t really have any. That is a lie, Michael Bay has his name slapped all over this one and my recent forays into his way of doing things have been unanimously upsetting (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen) but he didn’t direct in fairness. Jonathan Liebesman directed “Wrath of the Titans” which I had the misfortune of seeing twice in the cinema and fell asleep the latter occasion; and “Battle: Los Angeles”. I haven’t actually seen that last one and that is because the general consensus is that I should avoid it like the plague. Clearly “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” has everything going for it… so how is it? Make no mistake, he may not have directed but this is a Michael Bay movie, and all that implies.

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Bad Neighbours (2014) Review

To think I had nearly forgotten why teen comedies are as stigmatised as they are, thank God “Bad Neighbours” came along to refresh my sub standard memory. Another “adventure” filled with disgusting comedy that often falls completely flat on its face, in the shadow of genuine comic timing. “22 Jump Street” is the obvious comparison, a film that is actually really funny if a little juvenile. Now there is “Bad Neighbours” (simply called “Neighbours” in the States) that is actually really dumb if a lot juvenile. I’ve seen zygotes more mature than this.

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A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) Review

Ah, The “Nightmare on Elm Street” franchise, one of what I call the “Big Three” of the slasher genre, along with “Friday the 13th” and “Halloween”. Those who have seen all of these movies, or even just a fair few, know that the endless sequels were almost all tosh. If there is one thing worse than the slasher sequel though, it’s the horror remake. All three of these franchises have been remade and “A Nightmare on Elm Street” is the last to get this treatment, and oh boy oh boy, I can’t wait to tell you how disappointing it is.

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The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) Review

It’s finally happened, the best of the best. This movie has had such a profound effect on the way I see the world that I may never recover. By that I mean, I am now from this point on a glass half empty personality who has lost the ability to enjoy the little things or to ever experience excitement ever again. This film upsets me like few others can, because I haven’t been this excited for a movie since “Spider-Man 3” when I was only a knee high. You’d have thought I’d have learnt by this point, but I shamefully admit that I have not.

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